Period Poop – Why Isn’t Anyone Talking About the Literal Crap “Aunt Flo” Brings?

Period Poop – Why Isn’t Anyone Talking About the Literal Crap “Aunt Flo” Brings?

By: Melissa A. Kay

 

“The time of the month” is already a mess. Mind-numbing pain, intense and unpredictable mood swings, bloating, and bleeding. Need more menstruation aggravation? Of course not, but with “Aunt Flo” comes your shi**y uncle…literally. 

Understandably, not many people want to gather round and discuss their “number two” situation, but if this practice were openly acceptable, period poop would be a hot topic… and not in a good way. 

Those who are nodding their head know what kind of horror show goes on in the bathroom when you have period poop. It’s not only the nasty combo of blood and bowel movement that makes it so bad. There’s the obvious stomachaches, stench, and clean-up factor, not to mention the darling details like doo doo on your tampon string or having your tampon expel entirely from your vag when you push out the poop. Wiping takes an eternity, and you know you’ll be back to the bathroom within a couple of hours to go through the gruesome performance all over again. Haven’t read about this shitshow in Glamour magazine? Ya, me neither.

As if the crippling cramps, persistent b!#chy attitude, and ruined underwear aren’t enough, the accompanying dumps are dreadful. But why does our period bring along this crappy companion? Blame it on hormonal fluctuations combined with all the PMS food you’ve scarfed down in one sitting. An entire family-size bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and a cheese pizza seemed like a good idea at the time, until your butt cheeks are sticky and sweaty from sitting on the toilet bowl for a good 45 minutes or more. 

And the hormones? Your progesterone level spikes pre-period. Not only does this make you “hangry” for copious amounts of raw chocolate chip cookie dough, but it tends to make the feces extra funky – from consistency/color (loose and watery/ the whole “camo” spectrum) to odor (evacuate the building). These tidbits aren’t highlighted during those peaceful maxi pad commercials where everyone is dressed in head-to-toe white while riding horseback. 

What can we do about this period poop problem? Not much. Blame the uptick in prostaglandins during your cycle for the increased time spent on the “throne”, and the foul-smelling farts in-between “seatings.” If only tampons worked for plugging up poo, too. 

Menstruaters of all ages ought to be informed about this doody dilemma. Instead of pouring blue liquid-gel onto a pad to show how much it can hold, commercials should feature a big wad of toilet paper barely holding together from the enormity of excretion exiting your body. It’s gross and gag-inducing, and we’ll deal with it for decades. 

Good luck next month and moving forward. Perhaps keeping a bottle of Pepto-Bismol next to your Midol is a smart move. And while you’re at the pharmacy, pick up another air freshener. You’re gonna need it.